Struggling With Body Image & Self-Esteem

I already have planned posts for the month but  I’m just going to drop this surprise post.

From the moment I was forced to wear my glasses at school, the teasing started.

I first got glasses when I was 7 years old. I would only wear them in the house.

I had to wear them at school always when i was about 10 years old. I wrote the wrong date in my books and told the teacher. He knew i wore glasses seeing as he saw me the week before school started and i had them on. 

From then, the teasing started. I was called coke bottle (because of the shape of my glasses). Fast forward about 2-3 months later. A new school. 10times the amount of people. New people. New faces. 

Iwas teased about how skinny I am. 

How I shouldn’t take off my glasses. 

I’m ugly.

I would go home crying almost everyday. 

The teasing eventually stopped but I was a floater. I went from clique to clique hanging out with different people.

With a group of girls I hung out with for a bit, they had like this initiation thing for me. Obviously I failed.

I really liked this guy in my class at one point. I told one of the girls on MSN messenger and she promised not to tell anyone else. By the tine I walked into an assembly the next morning, everyone knew and was taunting me with the guys initials.

Teasing people can really damage them in the long run. I ended up with low self-esteem.
For a few months now, I have just been thinking…a bit too much in my opinion .

I auditioned for a new model agency, I got through and attended the first rehearsals. There was only about 5-7 people there and the lady looked at me and said, I have to put on a little weight. In my head I’m saying well that isn’t happening. I kept my mouth shut, smiled and nodded. Onto the next week, I went back and this time rehearsals was now truly starting.. Again, the lady looked at me and said the same thing. I had about 20 pairs of eyes on me. She’s saying I’m too skinny, we need you to gain weight.

Inner me would’ve given her a true Bajan cussing and walked out all dramatically. Being the shy person I am, I stayed and watched, then left.

It truly was embarrassing the way she did it. I secretly shed tears on the way home. My family and friends were pissed. 

How do you expect someone who’s naturally skinny, with fat metabolism, to gain weight in less than 3 months? I’ve been the same weight for 3-5 years. For me to gain weight that fast without getting pregnant would be a miracle.

However, since then, it’s all I’ve been thinking about.

Gain weight. 

You’re too skinny.

Googling pictures of girls that are body goals. Slim waist,hips, booty,nice legs. Instagram is filled with girls like that. Music videos are filled with girls like that. Then there’s also the girls who are effortlessly beautiful.

Seriously though, they are everywhere! Promo girls for fetes and cruises.

I keep looking at high calorie foods and they’re foods i don’t like, foods my mother don’t buy and expensive stuff. Even high calorie milk shakes ask for the protein shakes and they’re hella expensive here.

I came across one on Pinterest. 1187 calories it says. Whey,peanut butter, milk and oatmeal.The amount of milk they’re using is alarming. 14oz. I don’t want to spend an eternity in the bathroom. I don’t need my acid reflux to flare up either.

Ive been wondering about weight training and the fact that i need to take in almost 3000 calories a day.

It’s honestly just all too much.

Sometimes i wonder if its worth it.

Suppose i do gain a little weight by year end. Then what?

Will I feel better?
Sorry if its a bit all over the place. I couldn’t concentrate at all. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from though.

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