#1 Who I Am Right Now

To be honest I cant answer that.

I never could.

Even if how would it start.

I’m that antisocial, overthinking, depressed, anxious girl.(Technically woman but that doesn’t even seem right)

What am I feeling?

All those things, plus loneliness.

You know when you’re upset over one thing and it gets worse because you think of something that just digs deeper.

Right now? I’m trying to calm down.

I was mad about not being able to go out with my friend. Then it got worse. Even though I said I was joining my sister to watch her perform at a festival, I literally had second thoughts while showering and crying. I forced myself to get ready and leave home. I was fine for a while but once it got later and closer to the time I would be out enjoying myself, I started crying again.

My head hurt.

My hands shook.

My heart was racing.

My head felt fuzzy.

My nose was stuffy.

I felt extremely frail and sick.

The self-criticizing started.

I know I’m depressed and have been for the past 5-6 years. I’ve been telling myself to get my shit together and I still haven’t.

I’m pretentious I can put on a fake smile and no one notices.

I act happy.

I smile.

I laugh.

I leave home.

I pretend everything is fine.

I’m a fake. That’s who I am.

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